Fallen Idol

I'm done. It shouldn't surprise me, but I keep hoping that American Idol will go the way I want it to. Reality tv sucks that way. Most of the time. Occasionally someone I like wins, but most of the time due to the vagaries of:

a) plane boarding rules (Amazing Race aka Steak Escape to Honey and I)
b) tyra banks' total f'ing randomness (America's Next Top Model)
c) the American teenage morass' excruciatingly bad taste (American Idol)
d) lying liars (you choose)
e) people not "making it work" or "being fierce" (Project Runway or America's Next Top Model)
f) some combination of the above

the people I like don't win. I often find myself taking solace toward the end of a reality show in the people I hate losing. Hate maybe too strong. But then I think about Jade (ANTM), Stephen (Top Chef), and the Weavers(Steak Escape)and I'm not sure it is too strong.

And you'd think I have nothing else to do than think about all this shit. I mean the application for the job I have as an interim is due in two weeks. But I digress.

I missed Idol the first time around. I hated Clay. Hated him. Still do. I liked Fantasia. Her album sucked though. (Sorry Honey, I know you bought it for me, but you didn't produce it or anything). Last year's group did little for me. But Honey and I at least let go of the "reveal" show and only watched the singing show. This year we've been even more cutthroat. We only watch the singing. I know, I know, that means you miss Paula's stoned behavior. We catch little bits of it. It's enough. Really more than plenty.

So, I made it this far this year, but I'm done. As Honey said about Taylor, "I defended him; I said out loud that he was good." And then there he is being REALLY bad week after week.

I mean, look at him:



I'm watching this shit instead of Steak Escape? Where they once showed this woman with a shopping bag standing in the middle of a field! Like it was normal.



Last week Taylor sang "Play that Funky Music" (white boy) and that contemporary favorite by that new group The Beatles, "Something." Pure crapola. Actually it was pure. That's too nice. It showed little bit of ok and lots of chunks of steaming doodoo. Like that commercial where the liquid plummer sends a clog out of the people's sink and all the way to a French cafe.

Katherine McPhee bouncing around on her knees, Chris Daughtry losing his voice on song two. (Dude, it's two songs, neither full length). And Elliott showing us those teeth. He needs to hook up with Tyra. She'll take care of those teeth. And then he'll (in a breathy voice) still be in the running for America's next top model.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised in a country where the WORST (ding) PRESIDENT (ding) EVER (ding) was elected twice that the curd would rise to the top (or the middle as the case may be).

Last night Honey and I watched no reality t.v. It was good. We watched West Wing, Sopranos, and a tifauxed Weeds (it was all tifauxed actually). What's not to like? Vito in New Hampshire? Mary Louise Parker doing anything? (She's on my "I'd marry her if I could list." Don't worry, Honey knows). CJ and Danny getting together? All good. A sweet scene between Allison Janney and Richard Schiff? Elizabeth Perkins being fab? Edie Falco? It's good. It's smart. It's people being creative.

And NOBODY said anything about "being all about good hair, man" (Jonathan Antin, Blow Out).

Now, just to be clear, I am not signing off reality tv altogether. I like Tiffani on Top Chef. I love Steak Escape. I'm hoping Joanie will kill Jade on ANTM. And if I don't keep watching, I won't be able to understand the latest Hen and Bunny Theater. And Havrilesky's puppets rock.

She has done some non reality ones. The 24 one is the best, I think. And I don't even watch 24 anymore.

Still, I need to learn from the past. Being a popular culture devotee is all fine and good. But draw lines, have boundaries. I'm done with MTV. Done. I'm done with Idol. My customized list on Dish is called "good tvs." I mean it this time.

Now, when does Work Out start?

Telephones

I have been obsessed with getting new phones for some time now. I really like phones. I'd like a restored old rotary phone a lot. Something like:



I also want a new slick cell phone. But I can't commit to a cell phone plan, so I use a pay as you go phone, which makes me feel a little like a drug dealer. The company I use doesn't have cool phones. Though I just checked and like this one a lot:



Hmm.

Anyway, at home I have this phone problem. We only have one working phone jack and I won't pay PacBell nee SBC nee AT&T to come out and put in a new one. I just won't. So we got these things called instajacks which transmit the phone call through the electrical line. Stupid ass piece of electronica.

Then we got given a double phone, but it doesn't have an answering machine. So we have this weak ass phone with an answering machine plugged into the instajack. I talked Honey into buying it at Target a couple of years ago. The hand-me-down phone works fine as does its little slave phone. But the Target pos is 1) hard to hear on, 2) has an answering machine that you can barely hear, and 3) interferes with our home wireless network.

Now that I mention our wireless network, I guess I should fess up that I bought a router at Staples for $40, spent all of one day trying to get it to work, including calling Sly, who knows more about computers than anyone I know, though he does have a shirt that says something like "I won't help you fix your computer." Fed up, I then returned the router and went over to the Apple store and dropped $200 on an Apple airport. This was all so we can have a notebook in the living room. To check the woot. And so Honey can surf from the couch. The airport does match the iMac. And the iBook.

So finally after Honey was talking to her friend for the second time and had pos Target phone make the notebook's connection die, I came in here and bought a new phone system. Here it is:



It got good reviews at Amazon. Of course because it's all electronic, it won't work when the big earthquake hits. That's what I need the rotary for.

Do I think this will end my obsession? No. But it may abate for a while.

Now about that cool cell...

Snakes on a plane and at the vet

I have been thinking about the upcoming movie Snakes on a Plane since I heard about it. I also like that the phrase has entered the lexicon as a sort of "can't do anything about this shit" stand-in. I don't even know if I'll see the movie, but I like the idea.

Anyway, I was at the vet's office yesterday with Biscuit the wonder dog. She has an ear infection. She won't let me clean her ears. See previous post. She wouldn't let the vet clean her ears either. Four people tried and as the vet said, "she wasn't mean or anything, but she was pretty clear that she wasn't going to let us do it." Honey and I are now giving her ear medicine. We've found that if we put her in the sink and make it quick, she's only a little freaked out. It does take both of us and the sink.

By the by, I was really pleased with myself for knowing how much Biscuit weighed. I kept telling people she weighed 35 pounds, but she hadn't been weighed before. She stepped onto the vet scale, hunkered down like it hurt and the display flashed 34.5 pounds. Let me know if you'd like me to come by and guess your dog's weight. I can't do people or any other animal, so it's only your dog who will be embarrassed. Maybe I should get a booth.

So, Biscuit and I are waiting in the lobby for her medicines and she's being Biscuity. She keeps approaching people for pets, except for this one guy she decides is a threat. She keep barking at him. People are freaky about their dogs at the vet. Several haul their dogs away from greeting Biscuit. Including one guy with a border collie puppy. There's no way that puppy and Biscuit were going to get into it. Whatever.

Then this dude (and that's the only way to describe him) comes in with a BIG snake wrapped around his neck and shoulders. His pants are hanging down and he's grungy. And he talks like a dude. He's in a total panic. At first I think he's being strangled by the snake. He's not. Which is good.

Biscuit doesn't react to the snake at all. The guy with the really sick bassett hound is a threat. The giant snake is not.

Dude says in a panicky high voice, "Um,can someone help me?"

Vet receptionist, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't deal with snakes."

Dude (almost crying), "Is there someone who could just answer some questions for me?"

Bottom lime seemed to be that Dud went out of town and his snake sitter (there's a job I don't want) fed his snake a frozen mouse. She was in distress about it, drinking lots of water and blowing bubbles into her water in an attempt to digest the frozen mouse. Dude also didn't have any money and couldn't pay anybody, so when they tried to refer him to another vet he started crying. I could go into the Animal Precinct rap about how you shouldn't have a pet if you can't pay, but Dude loved that snake. And I got a dog when I was young and couldn't pay.

Now bassett guy (the big threat in Biscuit's eyes) was looking at $1500. He seemed sanguine about it though.

One of the vet techs who had worked at a vet's office that dealt with "exotics" came out and talked to Dude and seemed to think the snake was going to be fine.

It was sweet. I hadn't been to that vet before. I'll go back. Even if they can't find four people to hold down my 34.5 pound dog. They helped snake dude. They gave me medicine and no unnecessary tests. And if we're all lucky, bassett guy will not cross Biscuit's path again.