Ok, I know some of you like gum. That's fine. People like the Yankees and pimento and mushrooms and golf. There is no accounting for what appeals to people. Look at them. Like alien eyes staring.
I loathe gum. I don't like the way it tastes. I don't like the way it smells. I hate that people leave it places so I have to see it. Or step in it. I can and have been pretty fucking rude when it comes to gum. I can't help it. I probably could help it. I don't want to.
Once I liked it. When I was a child. I would poke around in my mother's purse. She usually had Trident, sometimes Juicy Fruit. I was beset by braces (and not the kind glue-on kind but the mean wrap-around-your-tooth kind) when I was but a lass (10 or 11 I want to say) and being the good girl I was, duly gave up gum. My orthodontist was a big guy with very hairy hands that creeped me out under his rubber gloves. Hair under translucent rubber=not pretty.
By the time I had my braces off, I was in my rebellious phase (don't ask) and rarely wore my retainer and once accidentally threw it away in the trashcan at The Varsity. The Varsity is a wonderful place, and I order right. It's also a place where grease takes hold. Rooting through The Varsity trash looking for my retainer was a more base experience than most in my life. The irony was the trash rooting resulted in naught. Well, it resulted in greasy hands and clothes, but no retainer.
Hairy-handed orthodontist died while I was a teenager and I took it as a sign that I should move on from corrective dentistry. That was not the signal the universe was sending and my teeth have drifted. Still.
I vividly remember getting my braces off and how slick my teeth felt. I immediately wanted some gum. I had some. I wanted to vomit. Ever since I have an aversion, a revulsion, a repulsion to gum.
Last night I stepped in some. It got all over my car floor mat and floorboard. It took 30 minutes to clean up. My car still smells like spearmint and every time I think of it, my gorge rises.
So, gum chewers of the world, hear my pleas!
1. Don't chew it in my car.
2. If you must chew gum, dispose of it properly.
3. Consider mints. Mints I like.
That is all.
7 comments:
Or, swallow it. ;)
Poor little FJ. I'm glad you rectified the situation promptly.
I am rarely without a pack of sugarless mint gum and I chew it with abandon. I don't much like stepping in it tho.
might i suggest a mint covered in chocolate.
I do like mushrooms, and I know I committed the sin of chewing a gumball in your car (a closed atmosphere where the cloying smell of artificial fruity sweetness nauseated you).
I'm totally on board with talking smack about pimento and golf, though. Totally.
Oh I loved gum as a teen... I'm sure my dentist loved the new BMW it must have bought him. I rarely have it now, I'm afraid it'll pull out old fillings.
Slang, my gum freak out with you was one of my lower gum moments. Sigh. Mints covered in chocolate! Excellent idea weese.
Were I a chewer, might that have been a deal-breaker?
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