Wrong Way

"I have an upgrade for you!"

The man at the Hertz counter and I had been having a pleasant conversation about California and Nevada. We were especially bonding over the pit of despair that is traffic in, to, and from Las Vegas on busy weekends. I had visions, I must admit, during the moments after he said that word--"upgrade." I thought Lincolns. Certainly something from the Prestige collection. Or maybe the Fun Collection. A PT Cruiser? A Mustang? Anyway, we weren't driving whatever it was much. Really it was a glorified airport transportation, escape my parents' house vehicle.

"Oh?" I said hopefully.

"I have a Taurus with Hertz NeverLost®"

A Taurus? Really? How is that an upgrade? They stopped making them for goodness sakes. Sure, it's what I reserved. Still.

NeverLost® turns out to be Hertz's proprietary GPS navigation system. I turned it on and programmed my parents' address in it. The NeverLost® Lady® (NL®L® hereafter) began to speak in those tones. You know the tones. The ones where whatever you do seems deeply stupid and whatever she tells you seems right and just.

She didn't like that we did a detour to Chik-Fil-A. I was stressed as it was approaching midnight and the change from Saturday to Sunday. Chik-Fil-A is not open on Sunday and I suspect that they close at midnight precisely. I did get my sandwich and small Diet Coke. Crushed ice is reason enough to seek out the Fil-A's of Chik. That and the sandwich is served simply with a pickle. Tasty thy name is Chik.

Once we extracted ourselves from the pre-midnight, pre-Christmas-Eve rush at C-F-A, we headed to my parents' house. The NL®L® was worried we'd exit first on I-20 and then later on the Carter Center Parkway. When we did get off where she wanted us to, I expected affirmation and didn't get it. Her next set of directions were ones that I defied. I expected her to sigh, but instead she just said (with a hint of reproach?) "recalculating." As we approached the left turn into my folks' neighborhood, she said, "take a right followed by an immediate U-turn." Um, I'm pretty sure that's simpler if you go with "left." Plus the right/u-turn move would slam you right into a large park where all the gates are closed at night.
Again (after the left) the reproachful, "recalculating." As I turned around in the driveway, she announced, "you are approaching your destination" and then, as I parked, "you have arrived."

I kept announcing to Honey that "Christmas starts now" as if by saying it out loud, I could make it so.

Sure, the evidence was there. Carols, church services, stockings, gifts. Also, the usual tension about whether we should go out to a movie. It wasn't a bad day, really. I "bingoed" in Scrabble for the first time ever with "lustier."

One gift we were offered was one of the four Owl Wallet Lights my Dad had ordered after seeing them on teevee one night. This thing has a magnifier and a small l.e.d.

You can see small things in the dark with the OWL, should your NeverLost® fail you.

When we headed home, the NL®L® took us faithfully back to the Hertz at the airport. She only recalculated once when I once again defied her advice to get on Peachtree St. (the main one, there are many others). One thing folks who know Atlanta at all know is that Peachtree is best avoided unless your destination is actually on it. The NL®L® is clearly not from Atlanta.

I am from there. When I think about our Christmas trip, I think it was a little like the NL®L®'s advice to take a right turn followed by a U-turn. It's what we did, really, to come home. Turned right to Atlanta then U'd it back to L.A. She was right after all.