Truth

So after last week's work hell, I was talking to Assistant Director (AD) late Friday afternoon. We're doing this business that we do because we're both scared (at least a little) of Office Manager (OM). We're sitting at the conference table/lunch table at 4pm in the afternoon because AD is just now eating lunch. I'm back from meetings that stretched from 12-4 myself. I did sneak down to Student Food Zone to eat in between meetings, so at least I'm not in AD's boat. Anyway, we're talking about issues in the Program that we don't need to whisper about and interspersing it with whispers about OM. OM has been giving us both the cold shoulder all day. I'm trying to reassure AD that not only are we doing the right thing, but that I have her back no matter what. And any dirt that OM has on her (which is likely since they were friends in college) is not important.

During all of this we return to one of mutually favorite topics--our mothers--and she mentions that her mother is keeping a journal. I mention that I've got a blog and she seems surprised. I give her full credit for not asking about where it can be found, though for all I know she's spent the whole weekend looking for it. If you've found it AD, Hi!

From there my paranoid mind went back to what I've said about her, the University, myself. Then yesterday slangred mentions that she wants to let her sister and friend from work see my blog. I know and like slang's sister, so that's fine. It sounds to me like I'd like her friend from work, so that's fine too.

Still and all I wonder if I've thought through all the implications of what I say. I am somewhat careful and try to make it a semi-family friendly blog. For example, when the Dean was talking to me, she did not say "don't screw up." The word screw was stronger in her actual statement. Now, I don't know if my inner Southern "be a good girl and have some decorum why don't you" kicks in or if there's some other gremlin of the mind that keeps me from putting the words she actually spoke in her mouth.

I do know that the people who I know read the blog affect it. And then there's this amorphous group who might read it who affect it less, they push into my consciousness occasionally, like that big black cloud on Lost.

I have to think of them like a gentle force I can't see. Blogging is ultimately such a selfish thing, I have to say what I want to say, internal editor and all.

I remember years ago taking a storytelling class. The professor, with whom I had a very complicated relationship, told a story that I still like. She was telling a story about her family and some of her family happened to show up. Afterwards one of them came up to her and said, "well you got every detail wrong, but the story was still true."

One of my favorite personalities in the world is Bailey White, the NPR commentator and author. Honey and I went to see she and David Sedaris read stories a few years ago. She read this fantastic story about being made to go to "technology school" by the elementary school at which she taught. She and the other women start going to the dog track instead. After she read the story, someone asked how they had gotten away with it. She laughed and asked why we had thought the story was true. I was flabbergasted. Bailey White stories weren't true? Her voice and manner suggested a deep red Georgia clay truth. But, then, maybe they were true she said. And said no more.

And that's it, really, isn't it? If I tell my version of the story, and tell it "truthfully," that's the best I can do. That and resist my inner demons that say to tell the truth in a harsh way.

Dickinson had this right, I think:

Tell all the Truth but tell it slant --
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise

As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind --