I like to watch the teevee as I get ready in the morning. I have a few shows I watch, most of which my Honey finds annoying. Chief among these is Bargain Hunt on BBC America. The host is annoying, I'll admit.
From the advertising purchased for the 7am P(S/D)T hour, I am not the target demographic. The lovelorn, the indebted, and the immobile are. It is this last group who I would like to address today. Um, get up. Really. I'm not the most active person ever. Still, one can take the worst of American too far. Witness Honey's mother's shed's contents.
But the latest horror? The latest conspiracy to keep us planted on our couches? The Table-Mate II. I should point out, before I continue, that this COULD be a conspiracy. The Table-Mate II is made by a Canadian company. If all of America becomes housebound, then Canada can take over. They've been eyeing the better bits of our part of the continent for some time now.
Feel free to visit their website (which is, um, weak), but take a moment before you do to read about the commercial. First, a guy sits down on his sofa and spills food in his lap. He's got a full drink and a plate of what looks like meat and potatoes with gravy which he dumps in his lap. Like a dork. Also, it would be simpler if he just had a spork. Then he might not spill.
Then (and this was worth backing the Tifaux up for), a woman grabs her back while trying to reach a tv tray. Like she's in deep deep pain. Sitting on her couch and (oh the horror) LEANING FORWARD. The question the Table-Mate II people would like to ask is: why suffer when you don't have to? Why dump the gravy in your lap? Why sit up?
They then show pictures of people sitting and being brought things. The bringer puts the food (or whatever) on the Table-Mate II and slides it toward the bringee. Here's what the web site says the Table-Mate II is best for: "Tables stack next to each other in semi-folded position ideal for anyone with mobility problems or anyone recovering from an injury, illness or operation." Or even better, for someone hoping to create a mobility problem. There is a picture of the Table-Mate II "in action" (but without people). Why? Because the people involved with the Table-Mate II are now housebound.
Get up, America. Or if you must sit, use a spork and the coffee table. Geesh.
10 comments:
Forgive me, but when I clicked the link, I could hear myself go "oooh!" If the table-mate 2 were only more attractive aesthetically, I might actually go for it. I especially like the easel angle.
I am not just a couch potato. I am mashed.
Does the table-mate come with a bringer? If not, the value is much diminished in my eyes.
At two for $29 (plus S&H) any bringer they might come with would be rather suspect, don't you think?
You forgot to mention that, if you order within the next blah blah minutes, it comes with a remote-control caddy that you can sling like a saddle over the arm of your favorite La-Z-Boy!
This from a woman who claims a great fondness for woot.com?
What's wrong with woot? I've never bought a TV tray on woot.
get up from your chairs...right now...everyone...and turn OFF the TV. use the button on the appliance, not the remote. then run, or walk as nimbly as you can - OUTSIDE. breath real air, and go do something ...anything. (well except for laying in a chaise on the patio).
The most remarkable thing I have about their (um, weak indeed!) website is the following phrase, which takes on interesting meanings when removed from Table-Mate II context:
"Slides right up with just one finger until it touches your body."
Sounds either vaguely erotic or vaguely creepy, depending on your mindset (or both, if you share mine!)
Listen, these folks want immobility. One finger is all you need to move. And since you're not going to be getting any while slothing there, might as well have sex with the Table Mate.
Nothing more sensual than immobility, that's for sure. Unless it's enabling the immobile, of course. Aaaagh! Get me out of here!
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